Painful childhood

Is the child difficult or the parents loveless / helpless ?

Thessa Belcher


Hans has asked me to post here, to tell of my childhood in the spirit of healing, just like some others have done.

The pain of my childhood has gone... what I am left with now are remnants of bad mental habits.

I will begin by stating what happened...

Before my parents got divorced (when I was 7), my father would protect me as much as he could from my mother's temper. After he left, there was no one to protect me. It was classic stuff, I was beaten in many different ways. The most common beatings were me crouching in a corner, becoming as small as I could, while she hit and hit me. of course she would slap me and chase me around the house, saying that my beating would be twice as bad if I ran from her. Mostly though the beatings were not that bad, related to the state of mental control she exhibited over me. my chores for example were always an issue. I would spend most of the time after school doing my assigned tasks, only to be tormented about them over and over again. she would say "get down here!! it's still not right!!" then refuse to tell me just which crumb I missed on the counter, but she would not let me go to bed until everything was perfect. so I ended up cleaning the kitchen or bathroom or whatever 3 or 4 times before I was allowed to finally go to sleep. Even then it wasn't' "done right", but she would get so fed up with my imperfection that she would just say "just go to bed! I'm tired of looking at your face!" One or 2 nights of this in a lifetime would have been easier to deal with, but every night these same routines over and over again, really made me crazy. I used to be grounded for months at a time, so the only time I could go out of the house was to go wherever she had plans or to school. she would even take the phone with her when leaving me at home alone so I couldn't' talk. My feelings about all this? I remember being about 7 years old, and my mom coming to me after one of her blow ups. she cried and said how sorry she was and ow she never means to hurt me. that was the first time I could not forgive her. I even remember thinking how odd it was that before that she would be beating me one minute, and the next I would have forgotten all about it... and after that she never came to apologize after a beating. at the same time that I plotted her death, I condemned myself for being so bad for it. I used to dream about jumping out of the car at a red light, never to return, then tell myself what a coward I was for not doing it. I felt caged in like an animal, a dumb, imperfect, ugly, stinky animal. I was aware through my teenage years how this was affecting me, and have been making efforts for many years to dissolve all of the hatred and guilt that developed within me.

Later, when I got older and I was trying to tell her how I felt about growing up in her house, I told her that I could not forgive myself for not fighting back, for always crouching and covering my head, even after I was bigger and stronger than her. she said that I was following my instincts, because if I had fought back, I would not be alive today.

Now I felt my father was some sort of angel that I didn't' deserve. he was (and is) just so normal. he holds a lot of guilt for not saving me from my mom, but I never harbored any resentment toward him for it. so he was my oasis, visiting his apartment every other weekend. him and my grandma and our friend of the family, Mike, and I had such wonderful friends at school. It's funny, even with my mother being as sick as she was, I always felt blessed growing up.

anyway, my hatred for her diminished into nothing about 5 years ago, and I was left with the subtle hatred for myself. I came to realize that when she was no longer in my life, I picked up the role of torturing myself in many different ways. Since this realization, the true bad feelings toward myself have gone also, but now I deal with the mental habits that I stated in the beginning. Habits like feeling guilt when someone says that something was stolen from them, even though no one thinks I would have done such a thing. Like my mind jumping right to "you don' deserve that" when something is offered to me. I don' feel those things any more, just hear the tapedeck playing in the background.

For those of you who are dealing with dissolving feelings and situations like these, I encourage you to talk and talk about it. I prefer to write poetry. Once it hits the paper, it's been purged pretty much.

Here is a poem - one of the most beautiful to me I have written. when I was 3 or 4 years old, my mother was dragging me by the hair through a parking lot. A very old lady hollered at her - she said "Hey! You stop treating that child like that!! No one should be treated like that!". Of course my mother just screamed "mind your own business!" and kept on dragging. but my 4 year old mind latched on to that thought. and I credit that woman for planting the seed in my mind that my mom was the one who was sick, not me. It took a while for the woman's words to save me... but finally they took hold. and after writing the poem, all the beating I had been doing to myself just dissolved...

A Dedication to the Beginning of the Salvation of my Soul 08/1997

to the store, to the store

hide in a corner, hide in a corner
out of the car, out of the car
hide in a corner, hide in a corner

Hurry up! Hurry up! cover your head, cover your head hold on to your hair, hold on to your hair cover your head, cover your head

my hair is her lead, my hair is her lead
a kick in the jaw, a kick in the jaw
across the parking lot, across the parking lot
a kick in the jaw, a kick in the jaw

A pause...
How many tears throughout my years?
An angel in my ear, You treat that girl right!
How many tears throughout my years?

That angel made her home there,
in the dip of my ear.

Upstairs to pull my pants down, bare ass
You treat that girl right!
All my hair sits in my hands
You treat that girl right!

He's on top, getting off and not getting off
You treat that girl right!
He's on top, getting off and not getting off
You treat that girl right!

The food goes down, the food comes up
You treat that girl right!
The food goes down, the food comes up
You treat that girl right!

The time comes, the angel goes.
My old soul saves my young body,
the angel saved my soul.

lots of love to you all, and happy dissolving ;-)

Who to blame .. difficult child or helpless mother or father ?

Ashram for Kriya Yoga and the secret teachings of Jesus - online yoga teachings about Kriya Yoga and Kriya Pranayama.

beloved angel

your memories of your childhood are painful. the question is who suffered more and who is still suffering more - you or your mother ?

since I know you quite a while I know how difficult or even almost impossible it can be to get any love into you until the love has exactly the manifestation you want to accept as love.

the same happened to your mother !!

The worst in life ever to occur is rejected love by a loved one !

you have been fully blocked since the earliest childhood. blocked to receive love from just about any source at all.

for a person wanting to love and this is true for everybody on this planet and beyond. it is one of the most difficult task to get along with - to love someone

whose soul cries for love, love, love - just like yours did and does

and whose ego blocks off any kind of love at all. just any manifestation of love, a kiss, a gentle hug, sex, love in any manifestation available on this very dense planet of physical manifestation within Gods creation. here on earth the possible ways of loving someone are very limited. most of the 6 billion people have totally lost their sensitivity for any metaphysical energy - hence for any manifestation of love beyond the physical love. any soul being able to let lots of love flow will suffer lots of turmoil and emotional stress if all or most of this pure love is rejected.

with other words YOU have caused extreme emotional stress - even as a baby or small kid - to your mother and many others - just by blocking off most of their ways to show you how they love you. this and only this emotional stress leads to such over-reaction as your mother suffered from when she was beating you again and again. several years ago I listened to another soul on earth who told me that her father was drinking a lot during her early childhood. then he sometimes was shouting or beating his wife or others. one day it was apparently her turn. when he attempted in a fully alcoholized condition to beat her - she told him instinctively "dad - I love you" (in her mother tongue of course) and he immediately stopped his attempts before even starting to beat her.

It is everyone's divine duty to learn to fully and instantly accept love from anyone

yes she was able to love. and since she sincerely loved him she could instinctively know what to do to protect her father. it was to protect him. because anything he would have done to her he also does to himself. it is almost infinitely more difficult to forgive to yourself what you have done than it is to forgive anyone else for what he has done.

the same cause as for beating someone applies for raping someone. if you can look at peoples aura. then you see millions of men AND women day-dreaming of sex - day-dreaming of physical love in a variety of ways. because they all suffer from lack of love. existing cultural and religious traditions prohibit sex or blackmark it as a sin. the word sin is man-made. God only loves and always did so.

such man-made rules and traditions have caused billions of peoples on earth to suffer and suffer again for thousands of years.

man are also raped but seldom talk about. women also get raped and only a few of them would ever admit in public that they have sexual fantasies. because they have forgotten all knowledge about anything metaphysical. hence mankind beliefs that all thoughts and emotions, including any fantasies of any kind are their very private ones.

all thoughts and fantasies, even all those left over from earlier incarnations are waiting to be dissolved. they all are active and call continuously for relief and fulfillment. the call for love of a soul imprisoned in a physical body is sometimes absolutely equal to the call for physical love, to be one with any other soul. being while having a physical body means also to fully open and become one physically. suppressed sexual fantasies are calling for fulfillment the more you suppress them. because to suppress them you are actively directing energy into the object that you want to suppress.

Suppression of fantasies

Suppression of fantasies or emotions always leads to spiritual distress and alternate manifestations

suppressing anything always leads to emotional stress and destruction of harmony and health. to dissolve in love is totally different. it means to fully accept something, may be even live for a while through it until you realize that you want something different or something more spiritual. by acquiring such deep insight you automatically can drop - even instantly - any desire, any habit, just anything at all. just as a result of additional spiritual enlightenment and gained freedom. all about love on this planet and beyond. all.

Hunger for love is twofold

Hunger to receive love -. but as well hunger to give love !!

all mankind are children of the divine and all are hungry for LOVE and for LOVING OTHERS. if one of the two channels is blocked extreme emotional and energetic stress in general occurs in that present personality. leading to a situation completely out of control in many ways.

a long time I realized that the more people love each other the more they beat or hate each other if there is a disturbance in the FREE FLOW of love in any of the two directions. such disturbances are usually acquired from the outside environment. cultural blockages resulting from DOs and DON'Ts, from what is allowed and prohibited. (just remember the recent story of Bill and Monica in the USA which only could happen because many citizen expect people to behave in a very particular way, they expect people to show a very particular way of conduct and love - anything else is condemned and sometimes even sentenced to death !

Hatred and violence are misguided love when love is rejected by the potential recipient

hatred and violence are but energy of love conducted into painful channels - painful for both or any and all parties involved in that situation. conducted into painful channels because one or most of the time even both parties involved have simply forgotten to truly admit their desire of love and to show love exactly the way they want to show love. straight, direct, free of any detours, free of any distraction, telling stories or playing games of any kind. just direct love from soul to soul, from heart to heart, from person to person. direct, true, honest, instant.

anything else - any waiting - any delay - any games played by one or both parties causes frustration, helplessness and emotional stress as it causes energy that usually flows continuously to temporary stop or flow in a different pace or through different channels.

on earth many people expect love to be expressed through gifts, invitations, an many other rituals. all these rituals delay or disturb the flow of love and hence disturb the feeling of wellbeing and health of all mankind involved.

All imprints and blockages from earlier incarnations need to be dissolved first

you have received some of your blockages during certain incarnations, for example the one in Assisi. being in a Christian monastery causes lots of stress for most of all the monks and nuns. most - a few survive because they have managed to really get spiritual and get all they need from God or from saints assisting them. loneliness is common in monasteries. loneliness leads to starvation of love, resulting in hunger for love, which often is stilled with excessive fantasies to compensate. but fantasies on their own can cause great damage to mankind because they create imbalance between astral body and physical body, finally leading to fulfillment of all fantasies in one way or another. such monastery life also causes often complete frustration due to loneliness and emotional violence often encountered in monasteries. this may lead to the point that some become rebels against anything at all and sometimes even worse against God. because they have identified the church, religion or monastic life as being a life with God.

God is love

God is love and always has been God. to be one with God is extremely easy. but here on earth we all are by far too far away from the divine. too many blockages, too many memories, too many emotional injuries what we all have accumulated during the course of thousands and hundred thousands of years away from the divine oneness with God. our life is a life within our thoughts an fantasies, our desires, repression, anger, greed, stinginess, jealousy, envy - all an environment that could be called a vacuum of love. a vacuum in the meaning that our world, this planet, this entire solar system needs but ONE thing - LOVE - LOVE - LOVE - nothing but love.

so much love until all are healed. such love can only come from God. we all need to learn to directly pray to God. only to God directly. he is the only source of absolute love. he is the source of all healing and the source of all love and freedom that we all still remember deep within. we all know that real life most be different from what it is here on earth. but most of us have lost all detailed memory of how to love exactly the way God does. we have lost the knowledge of the exact divine definition of true love.

The more you reject love - the more difficult you are for others to live with

all the blockages and injuries, memories of past happenings of any kind, all education, spiritual, religious, cultural, political, ... have caused great disturbances in the free and pure flow of divine LOVE. this and only this has caused all the beatings that you have suffered through as well as your mom. she loves and always loved you more that you ever can imagine, you have forgotten how to allow others to love you freely and instantly. just remember the situation described in your journals in Italy. you are looking for love, but for your (Thessa's method of love) and someone wants to love you (in his personal way of love). you have forgotten to allow anyone to love you freely and many others, like your mother have forgotten how to love in a way that just causes happiness.

Love needs to flow directly and freely - else disaster and pain occurs to all involved

if two people being totally blocked meet each other - a disaster results - like your childhood. but this disaster contains at the same time infinite amount of divine love, grace and mercy as it gives you a most valuable opportunity to become aware of your very own situation and correct it. anything can and finally will be healed in divine love as soon as mankind (including Thessa) have learned to fully open to the one and only source of all-healing omnipotent divine love coming from God directly.

the relative pain we all went through is of such nature and power that the most divine and most pure love coming from God directly is the only one really powerful enough to heal all - instantly. so we all should help each other to learn to open to such divine love again and remember that each and all of us are directly connected to this divine source of love and that we all can do much of the healing necessary to reach God-union and freedom in God.

True human physical love is the best medicine for all human inflicted pain - emotional or physical

mankind on earth is still one of the best medicine for itself as all mankind is divine. God loves and flows through ALL of us if we allow this love to flow in both directions.

people on earth are getting more and more open for the flow of divine love, hence any further obstruction could lead to even greater emotional stress and mis-reaction - just as a result of love being "prohibited to be, act and flow". we all will be fully open to love absolutely all, anyone, everyone and anything in Gods entire creation or at least be honestly and sincerely willing to do so before we can achieve oneness in God.

All problems are man-made due to separation from God as a result of developing ego

all the problems on earth now and before and any time is but a result of ignorance about God and our divine origin. we just went TOO FAR AWAY from our divine home. temporary lost many of us started to panic and overreact. many of us get out of control. the power of love is of such huge nature that it needs to be allowed to flow freely again. this is possible only when we return near God - back to our divine home in God and near God. you all will go back and find out how obsolete all the suffering has been all the time. anytime before we all could have gone home and get healed in love. if for any reason you plan to make another incarnation on earth or anywhere else - please accept my advise to first fully return home to God, to first merge with the divine source of all sources, the source of all love. then you get wise and your consciousness will become one with God-consciousness, hence you always will know exactly what to do and what to omit. by the time you all reach God-union you all will be free fro eternity. free to do what ever you want. in God, near God or anywhere in Gods entire creation. God gave you all absolute freedom from eternity to eternity and loves you all from eternity to eternity.

before you ever return to any incarnation anywhere - first merge with God to get healed from all memories and injuries you have accumulated during the course of all incarnations away from God. in a single second of merging with God you may learn infinitely more than in thousands of incarnations on earth or any similar place. love is the only divine environment to learn and grow up as divine children of God.

Thessa darling please open yourself for all the bliss and love flowing through you during these coming days of Christmas, particularly on the afternoon, evening and night of December 24th - as well as all others readers are invited to do so. this day is a very particular day as God has given one of the greatest gifts to one of his children - love and all this love that this very child of him wants as the only gift forever will be showered upon you all everyday of each year but even more on this very particular day.

I love you eternally and infinitely

may all divine love carry you home to God - on your "wings of love". wings of love is all the love within your aura that uplifts all mankind back to God. to have all this love within you, you first need to open yourself again to allow God to love you. to love is all God ever does. just to love you is all this soul ever can. eternally !!


God is Love

Thessa Belcher

Yes, I will open up to receiving love. I am not suffering any more, surely she is the one who is still suffering, and I spent many years after moving out, trying to sincerely help her, but she is just not open to any kind of help, love, etc. So I have decided not to hold myself responsible for her happiness any more. My mother was just not capable of giving love. She felt love for me, but wanted to love me by controlling me. That is the only way she knew how. Peter, the man who kissed me in Assisi, he was trying to love me by possessing me. You have said yourself that It may not be loved by any person in this lifetime because there are so few who know how to truly love. Yes, there are a billion different ways to show love, but are you saying I must receive a beating or because the person who is doing it can show her love in no other way? I certainly didn't' have the wisdom or insight at the time to tell her that I loved her right before a beating. So I must deal with the situation that remains now. Since I have not spoken to her in 6 years, I have been thinking of calling her. but first I want to spend a few meditations sending her some love. perhaps that will soften us both a little for the meeting.

God is Love

Home Cyberspace Ashram | Overview Spiritual Forum - Cyberspace Ashram