Completely Lost in Space!

Posted by:
Jiggo registered
at 06/20/2006, 16:39:06

Dearest hans,

I found your website some months ago and have been seriously reading through all the chapters and links, some even twice or more. While reading I feel some sort of light flowing through me, but as fast as it came so it vanishes. I feel like a black sheep amongst thousands of white ones.

A year ago in summer vacation I met a girl so beautiful as the garden of Eden. We both fell in love instantly, though we never really told each other, since God showed how heaven looks like for me only 3 days long. I never really had a chance to know her, so soon I had to leave. Through time I thought I would forget, but all I forgot is her face, love is still here and getting stronger each day. About two months ago she contacted me through phone with some small talk words about how I am and that she is missing me. God, how I miss her too. Later in the conversation she told me about a boyfriend she loves/likes and people are preventing them to be together. After I heard this, pain came into my heart but I realized what I had to do, cause I love her so much! I want her to be happy and to get all the love she deserves now and forever. Tears are flowing down my face as I write this, I told her that I believe in her whatever she does, whenever she does it and she should go for him no matter what people say or do. Haven't heard from her since then except in another small talk email.

I can't remember what the first words we exchanged were, but just about some hours after we met she asked if I believe in God. I always was spiritually oriented, but I had no idea what to say, so my answer was I have my own beliefs. This moment changed so much inside me, after I left vacation 3 days later. Bloody amazing what such a short time in heaven can do to you, within weeks or months I stopped smoking, consuming alcohol and became vegetarian. Being 18 years of age and living in an environment when alcholism is a national sport and no-one even can spell vegetarian, I do drink a beer a month maybe and still eat fish because in nearby restaurants all that is on the menu is meat and I like to eat different food. But no worries I'll stop that too I say.

Lately it has come to my attention I need to grow stronger in my body so I can grow stronger in my heart and am working out for about 1-2 hours a day and play football with my friend 3 times a week. My height of about 170cm is relatively small compared to other Europeans and people around me who almost all are at least 180 - 190cm. I barely watch TV and half a year ago I became involved in some bussines that will probably allow me make money for the rest of my life and that from the comfort of my own chair at home, but I don't think I want that. There is a voice inside of me saying I have to keep pushing and fighting. This is where I stop. What am I fighting for, for what do I live ?!?! I have no idea and this just makes me want to cry and burry myself in a hole where I'll be alone for the rest of eternity. I feel so alone. So alone without her, but through time maybe she forgot how to love me and God knows I have to learn so much more to be able to accept all the love she has, she deserves the best and only the best and if that is not what I can offer her then let it be else and let someone else love her just the way it is right. I guess I'm not that unattractive because every now and then a girl comes to me and starts a conversation or something, but I send them away. I always loved deep loving eyes in a woman. It happened a few days ago again, I went to recheck the lights on my car after playing volleyball with some of my friends ( I always either forget to turn lights on when I drive, or turn them of when I park ) and there she stood in the middle of nowhere looking at me and I looking at her after I cursed and exchanged some bad words with my car, cause I left the lights on again for more than an hour. I just recognized I stopped crying right now after typing for about 20 minutes. I think I cry many times, the tears come out of somewhere out of nowhere, sometimes for a reason then again sometimes it seems for no reason at all. Back to my story I noticed her before in my city, she noticed me and now she was smiling with her eyes at me and saying some weird words I can't remember as well as I can't remember my reply. Then she spoke again and that's where I just left, don't know what the look on her face was but is surely was not an expression of happines an joy. What is love? It helps me reading through your website, but it just seems this wasn't meant for me, feels like I'm an abandoned child of God, one of the few he does not want in his kingdom. What is love? I don't believe in love anymore, I can't, I shouldn't and I don't deserve. I feel alone. How can I believe in love when he takes away the ones I love and those still here he'll take them away too. Why should I involve in a partnership if he'll take her away from me now or later. Why do you say male+female is one unit and you are alone hans? Why is everyone enlightened and God-realized person alone? Why did Buddha leave his wife and children at home? All saints are alone, God please tell me what is the purpose being alone ?! Where is your eternal partner? Are you creating another Illusion for us? I want to love, love everybody, help everybody, but I need someone to love in a different way. I need to love a female. Love so sweet and loving, girl and boy ONE just for a short while, just for a second and as soon as you open your eyes the moment is gone and ones you love all are gone now or later. I just want to get in my hole again where I can be alone for eternity, because it seems that is what God wants. No matter how hard I try nothing is enough for God. I apologize for the words in this post and how it might offend someone, but this is how I feel and I'm learning to tell the truth and be honest all the time. Who is she hans, what should I do, I just can't find the answer.

I had to stop my writings here yesterday, because I had some painting to do, wash the car and then go play football again. It kinda helps being in an ego environment like a football match, many strong egos are present here and you have to learn to somehow control your situation and not be like them and at the same time be strong and loving. Usually I fail at that, cause I'm not strong enough in my body yet. I'm working on it, but its hard if you look younger than you are. 18 is not much, but always the persons who I meet think I'm younger. Which makes me think, do you know what to eat if you are vegetarian to grow stronger? I live in Slovenia, which is quite near Switzerland where you lived when you were younger, so you know what kind of resources should be available to my hand right now. So, after the match I went home and checked my eMail and there was one eMail of her. There was the subject and then the message, then at the bottom it said, Love you, Mia. An ocean of love flowing into me. Usually there was something like miss you or something similar. Now it was I love you. I don't know exactly what this means, since you write I love you to everybody too and I know you mean it like that but isn't it a little different, love between a male and female and the love to a stranger. All is one love, but still somehow different. (?) I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do. I always thought I'd stay here in my country for the rest of my life, drink beer with my friends, have a regular job, return to my house and repeat this everyday until the day I die. Why can't I be a regular guy like that, why do I have to think about death and meaning of life everyday, every second of my life. I love her so much, yet I'm not strong enough. I still didn't reply her because of my confusion. What should I do, should I leave my country, everything here, my friends, my place, my guitars, my mother and my father, my brothers and my relatives?! For the love of God I'd do anything for her. But then again my mind comes into place and I'm thinking why I should go, nothing lasts in this world and everything is going to break apart sooner or later. Oh, I hurt so much and I'm broken apart. One day she or I'll die and everything we will have is memories. Memories for which we will live until the day the other one dies. Please someone give me strength to hold on! Either path I choose seems so painfull to me, if I stay here my heart will hurt everyday, but she will find someone else. I will hurt everyday until I'm dead, if I do everything to get her, to love her, to make her happy, to make everyone happy, to help everybody, try to do everything right, be true and loving to everybody, God will take her away from too, my only Angel, angel of light! Either way GOD takes my loving ones away. So why shouldn't I dig a hole and burry myself underground. Please tell me why should I even try to make myself and her happy, if someday he'll take her away anyhow, no matter what I do. Please explain it to me, please give me strength. God why can't I be a regular guy. PLEASE, I NEED HELP, I NEED STRENGTH, I feel so alone!

Replies To This Message:

God Love strength is the opposite of self pity - strength leads to solutions of love, self pity leads to tears hans 1 Tue, Jun 20, 2006, 18:37:06
God Love Okay Jiggo 1 Tue, Jun 20, 2006, 22:32:51
God Love Love never is felt in physical body but in spiritual body - hence the experience of love never depends on having physical body hans 1 Tue, Jun 20, 2006, 23:11:46
God Love So I don't have to be a saint? Jiggo 2 Wed, Jun 21, 2006, 15:30:21
God Love We all are planned to be saints !link hans 1 Wed, Jun 21, 2006, 16:15:02
God Love What's next? Jiggo 1 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 14:09:23
God Love What technique to apply ? life is like an engine - you need to do it all correct and you need to do all to have successlink hans 1 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 14:37:50
God Love I was or thought I was Jiggo 1 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 16:03:04
God Love Stock exchange - trading shares - speculating with other people's work - is no work. Real work involves real efforts to create, invent and produce on your ownlink hans 1 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 19:46:57
God Love Reply Jiggo 1 Fri, Jun 23, 2006, 05:34:46
God Love Forex or shares or work hans 1 Fri, Jun 23, 2006, 08:05:31
My path Jiggo 1 Tue, Jun 27, 2006, 12:56:00
God Love Real life starts above 40 yrs or even 50 years for most people who start learning earlylink hans 1 Tue, Jun 27, 2006, 13:17:44
God Love half a year Jiggo 1 Tue, Nov 21, 2006, 20:45:46
When you start to realize how fragile love and relationship can be if lacking strength and preparation - then you start to make first steps toward progress hans 1 Wed, Nov 22, 2006, 01:03:40
A Step Further Jiggo 0 Fri, Dec 01, 2006, 21:04:57
God Love Being Saints suzanne 1 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 12:00:54
Thanks Suzanne Jiggo 0 Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 14:32:51
Hmph Jiggo 1 Mon, Dec 18, 2006, 21:21:07
God Love The subject line of a post says all about the inner value of a person and his goals in lifelink hans 1 Mon, Dec 18, 2006, 22:35:46
I am sorry. Jiggo 1 Tue, Dec 19, 2006, 16:31:33
God Love Words are of no value - action only is proof of lovelink hans 0 Tue, Dec 19, 2006, 16:48:47
God Love Enough talk! Jiggo 1 Tue, Dec 19, 2006, 19:40:58
God Love Happy new year. Jiggo 1 Sun, Dec 31, 2006, 07:36:52
outer world is a mirror of inner world Corey 1 Sun, Dec 31, 2006, 09:49:51
Hello Corey! Jiggo 1 Tue, Jan 16, 2007, 21:06:00
God Love Burden of life - who is the one to release your own burden in your own life ?link hans 3 Wed, Jan 17, 2007, 02:59:18
Reply Jiggo 0 Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 20:34:57
healing with the psychic surgeons on the Philippines elsj 2 Sat, Jan 27, 2007, 00:12:52
? Jiggo 0 Sat, Jan 27, 2007, 06:42:25
Eye witness of psychic healing and psychic surgery wolfgang71 0 Thu, Feb 01, 2007, 03:22:24
A question about polarity Jiggo 1 Tue, Mar 27, 2007, 18:24:31
God Love the topic about eternal partner gives the full answerlink hans 1 Tue, Mar 27, 2007, 19:55:07
You're confusing me... Jiggo 1 Tue, Apr 03, 2007, 14:27:23
Theoretical knowledge never leads to God - real practice of love in your life only leads to God hans 1 Tue, Apr 03, 2007, 15:25:34
No, Jiggo 1 Wed, Apr 04, 2007, 19:06:51
God Love A lame excuse Jiggo 0 Thu, Apr 05, 2007, 19:24:09
How to marry a millionaire?link maggie12 0 Thu, Sep 27, 2007, 10:40

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