re: your posts on vasectomy.
I am 50 years old this year, was divorced 5 years ago after 22 years of marriage. Married in 1980, father to step daughter for 2 years then first child born from this marriage in 1982. After my wife had problems with contraception and we decided not to have any more children I, after much thought (but no spiritual insight) agreed to have a vasectomy at the request of my wife, I thought at the time that I was doing it as a gift or sacrifice for her needs (or something like that), this was in about 1990.
She left me in the year 2000 after I was not suppling her with enough material needs, also I had taken up my old interest in yoga and she felt really uncomfortable with that. After 6 months of separation I realized I had not loved her for many years, had been caught in a 'sleep' cycle and was not awake to life, just running on automatic, selfishly following whims and desires. She said also at that time that she did not love me any more - so we divorced. It was a few years later that she confided to a friend that she had left me to try and 'shock me' into re-assessing my behaviour towards her, but had not expected me to not want her back.
In 2002 - 2003 I entered into a very intense and loving relationship with a divorced woman slightly younger then me - she had two lovely girls aged 6 and 9. It lasted for 12 months until she suddenly called it all off and could not or would not give me any reasons, her attitude toward me changed 180 degrees in literally 48 hours. I was shattered and confused. However the whole episode led to a re-viewing of my attitudes and behaviour to God, love and life and the starting of focused kriya practice.
It wasn't until I had sex with this new partner that I began to feel somehow 'locked' in my 2nd chakra and penis. Sex was fantastic and loving but subtly I could feel constricted there - not free. I have had no real relationship since then, I became deeply hurt and unstable as a result of the breakup, taking me years to release myself from the emotional mess I had put myself into and was staying caught up in - endless cycles of 'why, why, why?'.
After reading your post I now feel as though I have totally blown any chances of a fulfilling love in this lifetime. I did not feel that a vasectomy was wrong at the time. I have two beautiful, adult daughters, good employment, no assets after divorce and a hungry desire for God union. The women I meet are not interested in spiritual life, just the usual 'things', when they discover I have none, they are soon disinterested. I sometimes feel lonely or even just 'alone' a times but am unsure wheather I really want a partner in life now, it all seems too late after what you say.
My focus since thelast 2 years has been kriya and on clearing out my emotional rubbish and re-establishing employment and income to pay debt etc - but vasectomy is permanent in my case so I guess it's over for me. Should I just remain celibate now, remain single and focus on God?
Love and thanks
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