please forgive me for being so stupid and rude before
i am desparate
i need your help
it's again about same girl - my present partner
in july I helped her to start work where I work - next to my desk - and we are now working together - 3d design of ships and harbours for a training simulator for educating future captains etc. I educated her for that job as i'm helping her improve her english now. we were at the seaside together - at 100% my expense. though even there she had several calls from/to that guy - her ex.
My previous problem with her is no longer a problem. How it was solved: when my grandfather died (several months ago), me and my parents went to another town to bury him. meanwhile she stayed here. She wanted to come but my parents preferred her to stay (my father wanted so - he is the son of the dead one). Everything was ok - we were sending sms to each other all the time we were away from each other for these 2 days. When I came back I went to her place. As I was very jealous at that time - I looked at the outgoing calls in her phone and saw that in the day of the funeral she had called her ex. I got VERY angry and wanted an explanation why she had called him. She said: I didn't want to tell you because of the situation you were in, he called just to come and take a blanket from here. (he was living at her place before we met and the blanked had been his property perhaps).
I said: why did you call him? Why do you always call him and you see each other when I am away ESPECIALLY in this situation?
She: because it happens so.
I said: ok, I saw him outside with your sister's boyfriend - I will go and ask him. - and I went down
She cried after me something from which I only heard: if you go then... (i didn't hear the rest, and I didn't care)
I went to him and asked him directly - why do you still call her
He: why not, we are friends
Me: ok, but why every time when i'm away? have I ever done sth bad to you? do I go out with your present girlfriend when you are away?
Me: than what do you want?
He: just so... we've been a long time together and we don't hate each other.
Me: ok. people get married and live together for 20 and more years. then they often separate and never see each other!
He: we are not that kind of people
Me: ok, let's go upstairs and clean up this with her because I want it to be clear for all
He: ok, I will come upstairs in a while
I was angry because he is not honest with me and is not saying what he is thinking - I saw it in his eyes. I didn't want to postpone any longer so I insisted: Ok, I will wait for you right here. And I stayed where he was trying to escape doing some car repair with her sister's boyfriend.
We went upstairs - she was there smoking (my birthday present from her was her stopping to smoke). She obviously wanted to hurt me. I took the cigarette from her and threw it in the ash tray.
I said: here he is. I want you two to tell me why is this happening. What is the reason to act this way - hiding from me, playing with me.
She said to him: you are not due to give him any explanations.
He: because we are friends
Me: what kind of friends? if you could be friends - you would be friends and wouldn't separate! I and her don't have any secrets from each other - why should you meet behind my back?
He: because I could want to share sth with her
Me: what's wrong with me being there?
He: I hope you will understand me
Me: I don't understand dishonest people. I like open people, not ones who hide. what is that you want to share with her so much that you don't want me to hear
He: for example things about me, about my parents
She (to me): who are you to talk to him like that? - and lit another cigaretee
Me: I want him to why he calls you
He: because she is my friend
Me: what kind of friend?!
Me: NO! she is MY PERSONAL FRIEND - not yours! and you now NOTHING about sharing
She (again): who are you to talk to him like that? he is not due to give you any explanations!
Her mother was there too on the balcony and heard everything, her sister too.
The guy didn't like to look into my eyes at all. I felt they are both dishonest and hiding from me.
I was so mad that I just said: OK! I can't talk to dishonest and hidden people. Obviously my place is not here.
And I went out. Nobody tried to stop me.
I was really mad. Later I got an sms from her: i've never thought that you would expose me this way, i've never thought that we would separate this way. you can't imagine how broken hearted my mother feels. I will do my best to quit job and not to disturb you.
I answered: take a bag with the things of first need and come to me. your mother has NOTHING to do with us
Every morning I get up, take my car and get her from her place - about 4 km from mine, then we both go to work, have lunch together, after work I drive her home (to see her mother! who always has some self-created psycho-problems and needs attention), than later, when she calls me - I take her from her place, then we go to my place (which I have thanks to my loving father and mother!) or we go out somewhere. later when she is tired I take her back to her place because she prefers to sleep there - why? because of not getting her mother worried (my girlfriend is 22 years old - age enough to decide what she wants to do).
I will continue with that later everyday stuff later...
So the next morning after the big fight - I went directly to work, didn't take her from her place. She wasn't at the office. She came later - she made herself look very beautiful with nice clothes, make up etc. He just said hello and sat on her desk next to me. I turned around and looked at her.
She: what :)
I just pulled her chair to me and hugged her, and kissed her. She hugged me too.
I said: let's get out of here
So we did
We had a long talk. She said she knows what I like and dislike and as long as I forbid her to do whatever she wants - she will feel the need to escape and do it deliberately. As soon as I stop forbidding - she would stop too and do what I like.
I was agree that I had turned into a detective - looking in her phone call register etc... But all this I did because of a certain reason and she was right - I didn't trust her.
Later she said she would not be with me but the hug I gave her changed everything.
Some days after she said she will call the ex-guy and tell him not to meet any more. I said - ok, do it now.
She: now? why not later
Me: because this is the most important thing
She: ok, if you prefer me to go and meet him now instead of being together... (we were just going to go out. we were in my car in front of her house. btw the guy lives now 2 houses away from her place)
Me: no, we will be together 3 of us.
She: no way
She: because this will be my last meeting with him
Me: so what?
She: he will feel bad enough - so I don't want him to feel even worse from you being there
At that moment (God knows his job!) the guy went out of his house behind the corner. I said: OK! there he is - I will wait here
She went there - they were about 20m from me - she was with her back towards me. She told him sth and he laughed. Then she came back
I said: it's the first time I see somebody laughing when feeling bad!
She said: he always reacts this way when I he has to agree with my decisions
After that I never heard her calling him, meeting him etc.
BUT! Every time we had a small-fight about something - her arguments were "you forbid me even meeting people!"
And this argument created a lot of stress in our relationship. I felt she never did it from the depth of her heard - I felt that she has just tried to escape from fighting instead of realizing the real need for her action.
Maybe 2 months passed in such arguing.
I met an old fiend of mine - a very spiritual guy who is practicing Thai Chi. I talked to him and shared with him my problem. I said that my jealousy and this madness is driving me out of my nerves.
He said: we live in the world of duality - yin and yang everywhere. You are hard as a stone for all those years I have known you. What I can tell you from my own experience - you need 3 main things: healthy and strong body, peaceful mind and wide consciousness. All of them! Recently I have been looking at people making bundji jumps. I saw how if the person hesitates for a second - it takes him a very long time to jump. If you want to jump and learn to swim do the following: go to her and tell her: "I realized how big mistake I have made when stopping you from seeing him. I don't mind you meeting him BUT after that I want you to share with me. Not what you have talked about - I don't care about that, but about the FEELINGS that live and grow inside you when you are together. After that when she starts meeting him - be on your own, monitor yourself and understand that your problem is you!"
It took me almost 2 more months to "jump" - but I did it. I did exactly what he said - same words. She just stayed there amazed! She couldn't even say a word. The first thing she said after the silence was: "I want YOU. I don't want another. When you saying this to me I understand that you love me"
Since then - I never again heard the argument about forbidding. And I never heard her having met him. And things got really beautiful - for several days the feelings that were inside me were so strong that I was the happiest man.
Happy I am not being jealous any more - I really feel inner piece about that.
What my problem is now:
As I said - every day I am at full service for her - driving her to home, work, to me etc, loving her, hugging, very often neglecting my wish to be with her because of her wish to be with her mother - a woman who smokes cigarette after cigarette and always has health problems because obviously she never succeeded in loving her husband that's why he lives separate coming to her rarely. I have talked many times to my girlfriend trying to explain that she cannot be a substitute and it's pointless to try to help a person who has zero will to do whatever - even live healthy life. Her argument is "you'd never talk like that if it was your mother". True! But my mother is not less desperate after her mother died and is working hardly - not just laying in bed after work and pays attention to her health!
So... about finance - since she had started to work - I have zero money! Why? Because she decided that with the money she gets she will do everything - pay her education (paid previously by her parents), furnish her home (home of her mother and sister+boyfriend too), buy expensive presents for birthdays and Christmas - TV, washing machine, clothes etc... And what is common expense - I pay! I prefer everything to be common - to have all together. And it is so. But it happens so that her expense for herself and her home=her salary, e.g. there is ZERO left for common expense. When I tell her that it's not fair, she always says I'm reproaching for everything I have done for her and that in fact this way it looses it's value. Then she says: I want you to spend your money for whatever you want and I will spend my money for whatever I want. This way you will never be able to reproach and I will not be angry. I said: ok, i'm agree but we pay equal shares about common expense (i just wanted to test her). She said: OK.
And after calculation we saw that not only she will have zero but even she has to borrow to manage. Then I said: ok, pay the presents for you parents, I will pay the ones for mine and I will pay the common expense - let's recalculate. Again minus!
What does it mean - i've been turned into a sponsor - to her and all her lazy family (facing her mother who is emotional expense for her and me too, her sister (27 old and doesn't lazy to work!) - who is emotional and material expense for her mother, for her boyfriend, for my girlfriend hence for me too). I get a very big salary for our country! The only thing that I have bought for myself for the last 2 months is my monthly expenses (electricity etc - about 75eur/month) blades for my Gillette Sensor (5eur). All the rest I spend for our common: transport, lunch, fun. The salary is about 500eur! Her's is 350. Only presents for her family are about 400eur - for christmas, birthdays etc. For mine they are about 200.
What is more - electricity in her home is paid in 3 equal shares - hers, her mother's, and her sister+boyfriend. I asked - WHY! Are you 2 persons? It should be 4 shares! She says: it's not your business as long as I pay it. I argumented: it IS my business as long as I pay the rest. And how is it possible for you to have 50eur/month electricity when you don't even stay there during daytime and me - having my both computers running 24/7 to have 15eur/month electricity? She says: I don't pay for anything at home instead of this. So it's not too much.
I don't pay for food too - I'm dining with my parents living several floors below me in our block.
She very often says: I have never imagined that a man could ask from a woman to pay 1/2 of the fuel. I think it's man's duty to have this expense.
After another calculation I showed her that we spend 10eur/monthly for fuel to go to work and about 40eur/monthly for her transportation my home-her home 3 times a day. And she finally understood that I'm right. She said "i will come by bus then". It's winter now - I don't want her to get cold and I saw how stupid the situation is - I said - we both get about 800eur mothly and you are going to freeze at the bus stop because we don't have 40eur BECAUSE you want to spend more that you get! We both laughed at this stupidity.
I offered finally - I take care of my expenses+ common expense - you take care of your expenses only. Still small fights exist, still she tells me to be stingy at times when I say "the limit for the day is reached, I can't spend more because tomorrow we have to eat!"
This has become a very long letter - but I hope it will clear up many things. I will continue.
For 8 months being together - 2 days ago was the FIRST and ONLY time she WANTED to sleep in my bed - because her father had been at home that evening and because her mother would not be alone.
On the next day she told me that she thinks that when we get married I will go to live at her place. I said that this will not happen because my family has enough houses - even more than needed - for me to go to live in another house sharing it with other people.
She said "i don't want to live there too, but my parents have made this floor for me. I want us to live in our own built house with many beautiful flowers" I said "ok. me too. then you sell your floor, I sell the flat I live in (though we have not bought them) and we buy a house or build it" (this had to be a test too). She said she would never sell it because she has never done anything for it but she wouldn't want to live in a flat. (btw my flat is MUCH more pleasant and clean to live in - her place is full of cigarette smoke etc... a place of lazy people). I am really amazed how such a girl could have been born in this house. She is really different from them all but the said part is that the environment has huge influence on her way of thinking, living, loving... I feel she is not like them - I feel her just scared "to love to death" if needed - that's why she often bytes me, scratches me with nails - as a play, but I know she is scared. She is also split inside - she rarely can sit here and now - she is always worried about sth - being sorry for the past, worried about her mother, scared to loose her mother, many nightmares about that, always worried about future and doubting that we will be together for a long time because I wouldn't stay this too long. She is not happy.
I told her: my love, being worried about past and future and hundred things that you are trying to improve - but they are out of your circle of action - you miss the possibility to be happy now, to change what you can and to live a full value life.
I understand everything that happens - she is scared to love. She is trying to create a safe future in the wrong way. She is trying to control things out of herself in a position where she can't even control herself. Plus she is trying to get me into her way of living instead of dropping everything and creating a new loving future with me - I will give all I can for this if she is open to me and wants to share a true love with me - I swear in front of God!
It's really hard when you give everything and receive very little. Yes, it's a mess I have created - my karma. But isn't it supposed to feel pleasure when giving love? Isn't it supposed to expect to receive love too.
I have thought a lot about this and I feel this is not true love.
I blame myself for this because I gave up zillions of things just to make her happy - to be as she wants. But it seems that's not enough. I don't feel pleasure. She can receive a present for me and be happy for 15 minutes. Than it's all gone. She needs another one, another action of love. She thinks that because i'm a man - I have to do more than her (the woman). I feel her also acting in the way: making me pray to her to be as she wants because else she will feel bad. It's really feeling bad. She thinks that it's enough from her side just to give her physical presence next to mine - when at work, when outside, when at my place, when having fun with my parents or whatever. She is scared to give more. I see her not less stone-hard than me. This makes me withdraw at times and I feel that I want to go home and stay alone, though I don't show it.
she has told me many times that she needs a strong man to love her. she thinks me of a spoiled boy and even tells me this too often which abuses me sometimes and I often answer "oh really? but i'm not attached to my mother as you are!"
even in sexual life - I started to receive orgasm too quick, I started to get excited harder, I rarely get second time excitement. she needs longer sex for an orgasm so she rarely gets it. does it mean I want to receive love much faster than she can give it to me? or does it mean that I love her less than she loves me. you wrote that the amount of orgasms is proportional to the love of one's partner - so this should mean I don't love her as much as she loves me? btw she doesn't want/like at all semen or similar though I like giving oral sex to her. does it mean she doesn't accept my love and wants something different? I have talked to her what she wants - and I give it to her the way she wants. though she still doesn't like liquid love. her argument is "don't do oral sex for me, it's not pleasant for you" but in fact it is. does it mean that I can't show her that it's a pleasure for me to love her? how to overcome this?
Today i'm writing this because I'm not at work - I'm at home. I told her on the phone that I will not go to work today because I feel bad. She said: what is it, do you want me to come? I said: no, you have to go to work. She just said: ok, stay at home.
I did it because I am trying to awaken her - I want her to see how it feels going by herself - in the ice cold winter, to see how it is to work when there is nobody to hug you every 10 minutes, when there is no loving man to lunch with, when there is nobody to ask "what to do with that 3d model" or "how to do it" or "what to do today". Till noon time the only received "cold" phone call compared to dozens of calls to her mother when she feels bad is showing me that she knows i'm doing it deliberately and is counter-acting unsurely.
help me please
i have thought many times that perhaps it's better to leave her now - as you said before
but is it really the best - isn't it better to help her stop being scared and live together a happy true loving life.
is it really possible to help her overcome her environment of darkness?
how to heal my relationship
or do I have to escape from it like a coward?
please help me clean up this in the most loving and God-like way